One of the great things about having a hangover is that your mind wanders and starts thinking about crazy shit. When trying to piece together what the hell happened, sometimes the thought of how bad this hangover is compared to others pops in your head. Today I have decided to give a guide to give you an exact measure of just how bad your hangover is.
Defcon 5: “I’m more tired then hungover.”
This is the hangover you get when you drank the night before but you didn’t really go that hard. You wake up feeling tired, but it really is the result of drinking so I have to include it as a hangover. The reason you are tired is because you end up going to bed around 2, and have to work the next day around 8. The liquor gets in your head and messes up your sleep quality as well, so although you fall asleep right away for what seems like the first time in 10 years, you don’t get those deep sleep REM cycles.
Solution: Cowboy the fuck up, get a coffee or an energy drink, roll tide.
Defcon 4: “I kinda feel shitty”
This is when you are drinking the night before, aren’t really going too hard, but have that last shot or last beer at last call that puts you over the edge. When you wake up you notice you have a headache to go along with feeling tired. Perhaps you are even a little slower in your reflexes and generally have a feeling of lethargy.
Solution: Coffee, get your vitamin game up, eat some eggs, and aspirin if you feel so inclined.
Defcon 3: “I’m actually hungover”
You were drinking last night, things were getting hazy at the end of the night for sure, you remember getting in the cab, have vague memories of him driving you home, remember walking in your house, and going to bed. However, none of your memories are very concrete. You wake up feeling shitty and find you have “the shakes”. You have to go to work at some point, and decide that even though it’s not going to be a great day, you can get through it no problem. You’ve been here before and getting through it will be just another day hungover, but you won’t be at optimum levels. Stomach feels upset at this point, but nothing you can’t handle.
Solution: Eat a light meal for breakfast, get some coffee a few hours later, try to sit down for a while, and if you can sneak it in at any point during the day a half hour nap.
Defcon 2: “Oh shit, I could be fucked”
You’re not really sure how you got home last night, you have very vague memories of walking home and the last sure thing you remember is doing that last shot at the bar. Woops! At this point, the details aren’t important as all you can think about is how bad your head hurts and how you don’t want to move. Any attempt to get up gives you vertigo and makes you want to throw up. This is bad enough except for the fact that you have a softball game to play in a couple hours and have to gather the strength to drive to the field, let alone actually play in the game. You decide to get up and get a shower and you may or may not throw up. At this stage in the game you are on the knife’s edge of being able to get through the day and having to collapse in the bed. At some point you have to make a choice, throw up and get moving, or don’t throw up and warrior on. I’ll leave that decision to you.
Solution: Get up, shower to clear the pores, throw up if you have to, eat a very light meal so as to not push you over the edge of having to throw up, get moving as best you can.
Defcon 1: “Call in sick and claim food poisoning”
First let me state that claiming you got food poisoning isn’t technically wrong, so you are actually in the clear, just don’t tell your boss that the poison was sweet sweet liquor. You blacked out early on in the night and have no idea what happened. You wake up having no idea where you are, how you got there, and possibly next to a pile of vomit. You smell like liquor and smoke and can actually see the grim reaper in the corner. Hallucination from a hangover? Very possible, but you don’t care too much because you feel like absolute garbage. It’s very likely either 4 loko or firewater was involved. There’s no chance you will be productive today and you have lost a day of your life to the liquor. Accept it. Get a ride home from someone because you are most likely still drunk. Have them pull over for you to throw up, don’t try to be a hero and throw up in their car, that is bad form. Get home and fall in your bed, but don’t expect to sleep as the liquor has totally fucked your body up where it forgets what sleep is. Sit in your bed under the covers with a hoodie on and get up only to throw up. Feel better after throwing up, go back to bed to heal, get up 2 hours later to throw up again. If you are throwing up bile, you should have no question that you are defcon 1. Perhaps around 8 pm that night get some pretzels and ginger ale in your system and hope to not puke it up. Go back to bed. Make a promise to yourself that you won’t ever drink again, only to brake said promise a week later.
Solution: Time is your only ally here, but at some point try to eat pretzels and ginger ale.
